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I am Mess

Tired of waking up in the morning. Waking up to get ready and off to work. The drive is always long. I always try to make use of long rides. I watch the news or videos of people saying useful things. I try to make the most of my time. I’m tired though. Everyday I wake up and do that same thing. I change the videos but I still hear the same things. Everything is so sad. Everyone is so sad. Why are we sad? Why are we driving angry? Why is there nothing to talk about on te news but wars and conflicts? Why the bully face?

I still have to do this though. I have to do it nomatter the situation. Bills to pay. Food to buy. A life to build.

I drop my girls off to work and school. I am alone now. I get to the parking lot. I do not want to get out of the car. I want to turn around and drive home. I want to sleep forever. That is not doable though. A future to secure. I listen to some music. I inhale my vape. I exhale. The car is foggy. I want to exhale my soul and be free. I decide to pull myself up and get out of the car. I am out of the car. I do not want to walk a single step. I walk nonetheless. A future to secure.

I go up the stairs. I see people at the front desk. I enter work. I walk into the kitchen. The fingerprint machine is in the kitchen. I place my finger onto the scanner. I have signed in. I want to stay in the kitchen. I leave the kitchen. I studied the schedule at home. I cannot remember anything on it. I go to the front computer. I check the schedule a few times. I am not sure why I am looking at it. I am just looking at it. Why am I lloking at the schedule? I am confused. I need to prepare for my students today. I need to make sure I do a great job today. I want to go home. I need to take a vacation. Yes I definitely need one.

Blank thoughts. Work to be done.

Happiness

I have no idea when I started this draft, but I am pretty sure it was as depressing as can be. The title itself says it all. I just have to post it for the sake of staying on a roll. This world scares me and the fact that I was writing about “happiness” scares me even more. I do not believe in ultimate “happiness”. If you walk around asking each person you meet about the definition of “happiness”, I am pretty sure there will never be two answers alike. That is of course if you are asking people to be specific.

 

I live in fear of finding out what “happiness” really is.

 

I do not care to pursue it. All I know is that I was born to die. Life goes on and I could be speaking like someone from another dimension. I could have a twin. I do not know.

 

Let us just live and do what we feel we need to do. We all die at some point.

It does not matter what you buy, what you own, what you believe in, what you love, who you love or whether you were loved or not. We all die in the end. Can anyone deny that?

 

I may be pessimistic to your eyes, but in fact I am realistic in my own eyes.

 

And that is all that matters.

How many times..

Life goes on and surprises us each day. Sometimes it’s the good kind of surprises and sometimes it’s the bad. Kicking you down while you’re already on the ground has become the norm these days. But I’ve always belived in something, no matter how hard it gets; some day it’ll get better.

When it all just……

We pursue life to achieve dreams of happiness and joy, but every time it all just …………. I’ve run out of adjectives to describe what it’s like. One day, it’s all pink and happy, the next moment, not day, the next moment it’s all just gone. Vanishes in thin air without a trace. When you stop and question your thoughts before it all happened or even started, you will find that all those pessimistic thoughts were true all along. Why don’t we listen to our heart? It tells us the truth about how it feels, yet we allow our mind to misinterpret it’s messages. However, don’t think that i’m telling you to listen to your heart alone to get anywhere, because you won’t get anywhere. Now, what if we listen to our mind? Again, same ending, nowhere. I’ve tried this and tried that…look at me now.

It all just don’t make no fuckin sense.

Life as is.

We all find it difficult to see things the same way we all see. It’s very hard for me to deal with people because I never know what to expect from the person I’m talking to. Have you ever looked someone in the eye and just try to imagine what the outcome of the conversation you’re having could be?! It’s very hard, no matter how hard you practiced and tried.

In our life, very few people can handle the truth and the facts; those people are the ones who stick around longer, even if they’re not there they remain in our hearts, because they are the ones who mattered most.

At my old job, I met people who would just flood you with compliments as you go, and to be honest, it felt much more secure than my new job where I get no compliments but the truth. At my old job they had no argument to let me go, I could just pull out the old card of “you said, he said” and I’ll just get my job back with a possible raise!

However, when you meet people who just tell you what you’re really worth to them it just puts a lot of things into perspective and pushes you to always give that 110% the whole way through.

Moral is that the truth might hurt and scare, but it keeps you on top giving all you got and pushing your limits to be better than what you really are.

Ironic situation I’m put through every single day when my fiancé wonders why I don’t get upset when she criticises something I’ve done and she gets fussed if I tell her about something she’s done; isn’t that what it should be like?! But I don’t blame her for living in a society where all you hear are compliments and rarely the truth!

Let’s change the world and be honest. We’re a generation of honesty. We’re a generation that just doesn’t know when to shut the hell up, and will not till we get what we want!

Let’s take pride in everything that we are! Bow to yourself and embrace everything you believe in. It’s not the end and will never be the end till we decide it’s the end.

I love you all.

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Can I change?!

Continue reading “Can I change?!”

Peace with the Past

We all have a past. Our past is whaylt defines who we are today and what we have become. We learned things, sometimes consciously and other times unconsciously. Is what we have learned always what we want?! No, it is not, and that does not mean that we need to go back in time to change it to what we want. It only means that we learned what we needed to learn in order to survive today. What we must focus on is the lesson and deal with it in a way that will benefit us in the most way possible.

In my life, I had to learn many lessons on my own, mostly in the absence of the most basic needs of life, family and friends. It was not easy. It was not fun. It was, at times, suicidal; until today.

I need to make peace with my past. I need to make peace with my past. I need to make peace with my past.