Writing.

I try to use writing as a way to express and publish what I feel. Though, I’ve noticed that I’m fearful to speak. My mind is flooded with thoughts but I can’t seem to get them into words spoken or written. Why have I become this unexpressive of what I would like to let go of and move on to what is next? It’s all cluttered inside a big round skull, causing me a daily headache that throbs day on and day out…

Can this be the result of a culture I’ve been exposed to?

I still remember my days back in university when I usually said what I shouldn’t be saying or more than what I should’ve said. I remember having more friends then, and never caring what anyone thinks what I am. Maybe it’s all an illusion of my imagination or some faulty memory. I’m not really sure. I just know I was known.

I’ve recently discovered that most people change after they become family people. The ones that don’t change don’t seem to have a stable life for some odd reason. Can this be a flaw in the system? Or is it just a change in the pereception of being “responsible” for everything that you do and how it might affect those around you?

Don’t misinterpret what I am saying though and think that I have a problem with being a family person. I love being a family person and all the package that comes with it. I love the daily train of thought that will not stop till the last breath. I love the dependency and the independency all together. My main concern is where does this change in character comes from? I literally feel like I went to sleep and woke up like this.

My next mission is to actually change that! To become comfortable with expressing what I feel rather than holding it in. Agree with what I agree with and disagree with what I disagree with. What harm could come from it? I’ll find out I’m sure but I’m willing to take the risk.

Stay tuned for my next post.

The First Step.

Figuring out some flaws and dealing with them is not quite as easy as I make it sound to my students.

I have been a Brain Trainer for the past 4 years of my life. I have achieved awesome results with my students. I have to admit that it took a lot of effort from them. There were also many moments when they were going to give up, but we agreed to keep it a secret between us and I helped them push past it. I have seen students cry from the pain they were experiencing. I have seen students curse from their inability to pass a level or two. I have had students shout, yell and curse at me from pushing them so hard to get past what they are stuck on. Did they hate me forever? Definitely not. Most of them actually came back for more just because they saw the results with their own eyes.

Funny thing now is that I am realizing how easy it is to say “YOU CAN DO IT!” and how difficult it is to believe and say to yourself “I CAN DO IT!”..

I do not have that one close friend that can talk me past it or help me go through with it, which is why I have decided that it would be worth a try sharing my experience online.

If you can inspire me and help me through this journey please let me know. I need you!

This is definitely a call for help.

It is a desperate call. I also believe that one day in the future I will look back at this and laugh at myself. I do not care. If it gets me there then be it. It must happen.

Good day and thank you for being here. ❤

A new start?

Looking for a new beginning. Looking for a purpose to wake up and go on with my day. A full time job is sort of a must at the time being. Until I find what I am looking for I shall wake up, eat breakfast, search around aimlessly, go to my full time job, come home and sleep. Repeat.

My style of writing isn’t that impressive I understand that. I am hoping for more.

I hope I find more.

Ideas are welcome.

Happiness

I have no idea when I started this draft, but I am pretty sure it was as depressing as can be. The title itself says it all. I just have to post it for the sake of staying on a roll. This world scares me and the fact that I was writing about “happiness” scares me even more. I do not believe in ultimate “happiness”. If you walk around asking each person you meet about the definition of “happiness”, I am pretty sure there will never be two answers alike. That is of course if you are asking people to be specific.

 

I live in fear of finding out what “happiness” really is.

 

I do not care to pursue it. All I know is that I was born to die. Life goes on and I could be speaking like someone from another dimension. I could have a twin. I do not know.

 

Let us just live and do what we feel we need to do. We all die at some point.

It does not matter what you buy, what you own, what you believe in, what you love, who you love or whether you were loved or not. We all die in the end. Can anyone deny that?

 

I may be pessimistic to your eyes, but in fact I am realistic in my own eyes.

 

And that is all that matters.

I am Mess

Tired of waking up in the morning. Waking up to get ready and off to work. The drive is always long. I always try to make use of long rides. I watch the news or videos of people saying useful things. I try to make the most of my time. I’m tired though. Everyday I wake up and do that same thing. I change the videos but I still hear the same things. Everything is so sad. Everyone is so sad. Why are we sad? Why are we driving angry? Why is there nothing to talk about on te news but wars and conflicts? Why the bully face?

I still have to do this though. I have to do it nomatter the situation. Bills to pay. Food to buy. A life to build.

I drop my girls off to work and school. I am alone now. I get to the parking lot. I do not want to get out of the car. I want to turn around and drive home. I want to sleep forever. That is not doable though. A future to secure. I listen to some music. I inhale my vape. I exhale. The car is foggy. I want to exhale my soul and be free. I decide to pull myself up and get out of the car. I am out of the car. I do not want to walk a single step. I walk nonetheless. A future to secure.

I go up the stairs. I see people at the front desk. I enter work. I walk into the kitchen. The fingerprint machine is in the kitchen. I place my finger onto the scanner. I have signed in. I want to stay in the kitchen. I leave the kitchen. I studied the schedule at home. I cannot remember anything on it. I go to the front computer. I check the schedule a few times. I am not sure why I am looking at it. I am just looking at it. Why am I lloking at the schedule? I am confused. I need to prepare for my students today. I need to make sure I do a great job today. I want to go home. I need to take a vacation. Yes I definitely need one.

Blank thoughts. Work to be done.

How many times..

Life goes on and surprises us each day. Sometimes it’s the good kind of surprises and sometimes it’s the bad. Kicking you down while you’re already on the ground has become the norm these days. But I’ve always belived in something, no matter how hard it gets; some day it’ll get better.

When it all just……

We pursue life to achieve dreams of happiness and joy, but every time it all just …………. I’ve run out of adjectives to describe what it’s like. One day, it’s all pink and happy, the next moment, not day, the next moment it’s all just gone. Vanishes in thin air without a trace. When you stop and question your thoughts before it all happened or even started, you will find that all those pessimistic thoughts were true all along. Why don’t we listen to our heart? It tells us the truth about how it feels, yet we allow our mind to misinterpret it’s messages. However, don’t think that i’m telling you to listen to your heart alone to get anywhere, because you won’t get anywhere. Now, what if we listen to our mind? Again, same ending, nowhere. I’ve tried this and tried that…look at me now.

It all just don’t make no fuckin sense.